Blah

Effexor XR: 150 mg - Sweating, probably slight antidepressant effect. Been on it for a year.
Lithium Carbonate: 900 mg - Well I don't get manic.
Suboxone: 8 mg - Keeps away cravings for just about everything except cigarettes. Improves mood slightly in first hour of effect. Split dose.
Gabapentin: 600 mg - Mild anxiolytic effect. Cloudy haze. Somewhat depressing, I think.
Prozac: 10 mg - Actually 20 every other day. Same thing. Intended to cushion me as I start to come off the Effexor soon.
Risperdal: 1mg - I really don't know. I'd like to get off this shit. I don't want manboobs.


General mood - 3.2 to 3.9 out of 10 - 10 being omfginsanelymanic
Striving for a 5. But not man as machine. There's gotta be some variation... just not this low.


My girlfriend brings me up to a solid 5 when we're conversing or... doing whatever. Ohh yeah.

Getting Clean

Today, May 31st 2012, I've finally made the decision to stop abusing opiates. They've been a major problem for me and basically addiction in any form impedes on my "true will" as a human being. From this day on, if I *do* take my opioid medication, it will be taken as prescribed, no more than that. Possibly less. I'm starting a tapering process to get myself off of Suboxone completely. Hope all goes well. I feel I've finally hit "rock bottom". Which can be a great thing in the right context, when it doesn't involve going to jail or cracking up your car.

The Qabalistic Difference Between The Magician And The Mystic

Hello! Long time since I've made any sort of post. I'd like to review just what the title of this post is. Such differences between the mystic and the magician, as it were. Qabalah, or Kabbalah is traditionally a Jewish branch of mysticism. A big part of it is The Tree of Life (from Adam and Eve's story in the Bible) represented with ten sephiroth (the circles). Let us review all then of them.

 

As you can see we have the Kingdom, Malkuth, which is where we humans and animals reside. Then we have Foundation, Reverberation, Eternity, Beauty, Judgement, Mercy, Understanding, Wisdom, and Kether, The Crown (the abode of God himself). The sephiroth which make up the left-hand side are called the "Pillar of Severity" and the right hand pillar is called the "Pillar of Mercy".

The basic difference is that the magician seeks to pass through each one of the sephiroth on his spiritual journey. It is a less direct route to the abode of God, the crown. Known as the path of the flaming sword.

 

The mystic on the other hand, follows the path of the arrow.

 

He or she moves from Kingdom, to Foundation, through Beauty, and ultimately to the crown Kether. Buddhists would be more apt to follow the path of the arrow than the flaming sword. I myself am a Thelemic magician and have chosen to follow the less direct path of the flaming sword.

Hope this is helpful and informative.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Love is the law.

Love under will.

God bless.

 

 

Happy to have my Suboxone again. But all-in-all my biggest addiction is you, Laurien.

Done.

Every night I cry myself to sleep.  

Mitragyna speciosa is the only one who never said "no".

Fuck you, Subs.

The Sky Goddess

I found this piece of art showing the Goddess Nuit right in my own room. It's from the Luxor in France. Nuit is shown spreading her wings. It looks like a servant is playing music for her. Basically, it's a shrine to honor her.

Dear Opiates,

You're going to start making me happy again whether you like it or not. I'll never leave you. I can't afford to. We just need to take a break for a while, but I'll be back. I promise. Let's just give it a week or two.

Love,

Chris

PS. You make coloring books so much fun!

I'm not sure what it feels like to be on a woman's period. I never will. But I'm in opiate withdrawal. opiate addiction IS WORSE THAN ANY CHILDHOOD SICKNESS/FLU, BURNING IN A FIREPLACE, FREEZING IN PURE ICE, AND THE WORST BROKEN HEART IMAGINABLE, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. No one but the junkies will understand.

I want to recommend everyone reading this, if you haven't already, read Diary of a Drug Fiend.

93

I am eternally grateful to be blessed with such a kind and loving fiance, Laurien. But I don't call her that, I call her Tiger. She's just absolutely amazing. Everything she does is like magick in itself. I long to be with her every minute of every day, and she knows it. Sadly she lives far away, but fortunately she lives in a beautiful place.

 

Love you, Tiger.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Love under law.

Love under will.

 

Welcome to my blog on life, the occult, magick, and Thelema.